Self-Affirming Metaphor

Today I ran 5km. And as I'd been planning, I smashed my own record of number of kilometres run per month all the way back to the start of 2011. Which is to say that I've run more this month than any other months for the past 1.5 years. It's a nice achievement of sorts, and I get to feel good doing it too.

For next month, I'm plotting to see whether I can push myself further, potentially running longer on weekends (10km?) while maintaining 5km runs every other day on weekdays.

I like the post-run state of rest and recovery -- the muscles feel relaxed and stretched, and there's a lightness about everything I go about for the rest of the day. With the lightness comes a sense of achievement, a self-affirming metaphor about racing against myself to reach for new goals, conquer new grounds and ultimately overcoming my old self to break out into a new and improved version of myself.

It comes with it a quiet reassurance that I've come to grips with my new environment -- my period of transition from Asia to Australia is now complete. It's time for new horizons, new heights, new achievements... BRING. IT. ON.

Time to Go Home

4:45pm and the sun is low in the sky, golden rays streaming through the Venetian blinds to warm up my face. 

The leaves on the tree outside cast a dancing shadowplay on the wall, imbue the cars parked outside with a golden tinge. 

It's time to go home.

Momentum & Verve

I've run more kilometres this month than any other month in the year so far, and I've about two weeks to go to ratchet up more kms on the treadmill.

It's not the grandest achievement, especially this month's to-date total (37.3km) is about one-third of my total monthly all-time high (109km, Dec 2009) -- still, it is my best performance since I moved to Melbourne last year, and I've managed to clock it by getting up at 5.15am on sub-10 deg Celcius mornings!

In the grand scheme of things, this is a seminal tipping point: I've now "settled down" into the life Down Under. I've found my groove, there is a momentum and a verve, and there there are greater achievements up ahead.

This is about celebrating small achievements, but also reminding myself how great this adventure has been -- and wow, we're only just beginning. :)

A Good Friday Afternoon

It's again one of those Friday afternoons that features so often in this blog. The light outside my ceiling-to-floor window is a dirty yellow, almost orange, making everything outside seem either about to fall into a deep slumber from which it would only awake in a thousand years, or be on the verge of getting completely washed away by an upcoming heavy thunderstorm, complete with lightning flashes and peals of thunder.

I've written about Friday afternoons from offices in Singapore and Munich, again in Singapore, and now in Melbourne.

It's a small office this time, unlike most of the offices I've worked out from before. The people around me are mostly white-skinned Caucasians like in Germany, but everybody speaks English like in Singapore. It's an amalgam of former experiences.

Yet, it's a new experience unto itself. Most of my former Friday afternoon writings have been tinged with sadness about not knowing where I was headed to on Friday evening, and what to do over the weekend. I've got C now, so evenings and weekends aren't lonely as before.

Plus it's been a great week so far. Eric and Cathy, and later Mike were with us till Thursday morning, and tonight, we're having dinner with Mon and Na. And then over the weekend there's Jav and Joyce to meet up with -- a sudden surge in visitors.

Plus I'd been running, and enjoying my job. There's been a sufficient stream of endorphins, which will be boosted tonight with our favourite curry fish in town, and a hearty conversation over dinner.

It's been a good day, a good ending to a good week, and another good addition to what will amount to what's been a good year. I've had a good life so far, and on a good afternoon like this, it's good to pause, reflect and be thankful.

Mood Swings

One day later, after the winds sagged, I can't quite recall what I was so upset about yesterday. It certainly was a strange phenomenon, one that I'll have to watch out for in the future.

Perhaps it was talking to Mic, Cyn and Win about it, and realizing how it's not all that bad. They told me about the housing loans they have as well, and how it's common that everyone owes the bank something for their housing. And last night, after work, Mike dropped Eric and Cathy off at my office, and then it was a lot of catching up. Drove them to Chef Lagenda for curry fish, and turned in early last night.

After a good sleep, and a good start to the day today, the shock and misery of Sunday night and yesterday morning seems a distant memory. My mind has accepted the housing loan and monthly repayment amounts, and it's old news already, almost like the most natural thing in the world. 

I'm back in productive mode at work, I feel well rested, I enjoy my job once again, enjoy the momentum that we've got at work, have a good optimistic feeling about the direction I'm headed.

There are a lot of possible reasons why I lost my groove, and why the turnaround was as quick as it was. For the former, the major reason I'm leaning towards is an overexertion over the weekend -- depression is a common symptom. The other bit -- I've been aware for some time now that I've a mild version of bipolar disorder. Or perhaps it's just wild mood swings, much like Melbourne weather lately -- one moment gloomy like the world was ending, the next sunshine as bright as the sunniest summer day.

Whatever it is, I'm the best version of myself when I'm confident, cheerful, optimistic and enthusiastic. Circumstances, as they say, befall every man -- it's how we respond that makes all the difference.

A Lull in the Winds

Yesterday evening pre-dinner, I went for my second treadmill run in as many days. After the run, I lifted some free weights, as I did the day before. I was pumped up by the fast music and the adrenaline from the run, and declared online that I was revving up for the week ahead.

Back home, preparing for dinner after the workout, the conversation turned to our house repayment loan. Turned out that we were taking on a bigger-sized debt than I thought we would.

That took out the wind out of my sail. I slept late last night, didn't sleep well either, and today found myself in the office somewhat exhausted. It's possibly from the post-weekend blues and physical exhaustion, but money worries is something that I don't like to have lingering at the back of my mind.

When I focus on it, the problem compounds itself -- future income isn't guaranteed: my job isn't permanent, jobless rates are relatively high; and there are plenty of upcoming future expenses on the horizon: I want to enrol for part-time studies, and we want to have a family.

In the midst of this, to have spent so much on the house and a second car doesn't seem the wisest decisions to have been made. And yet, what's done is done, it's easy to fall into a hole and get sucked into the why's and what-if's and should-have's, as I did last night and this morning. It certainly doesn't help, and it only saps away my energy, and adds to the size of the problem.

The important thing, as always, is how to move on from here. Focus, in short, on what's now and what's ahead instead of what's past and can't be changed. And truth be told, shelter and transportation -- these are necessities, and investments into our own lives and future.

Anyway, the time for dwelling on it is over. Work calls, and we have visitors in town this week -- there's so much going on that I don't have the luxury to pause for too long, and reflect and get upset. It's also our 1-year anniversary, and one that should have happier memories than fights over money.

It's certainly something to work over, but therein lies how we learn and grow...

One of the Lucky Ones

It occurred to me today that I'm one of the lucky ones. I actually enjoy my job. I enjoy it even though I've changed companies and even industries in the past few years. The reason I enjoy it is that I've chosen a job whose nature I like. 

I'm one of the lucky ones. Not everyone enjoy their jobs. And in such an economy, with such high redundancy rates, I'm one of the lucky ones.

Keep Calm and Carry On

Coming back from my longest holiday since I started work, I was filled with dread and anxiety over the amount of work waiting for me. I was so stressed up that I didn't feel like coming to the office. A lot of deep breathes and e-mails later, it seemed I'd overestimated the impact of my absence. A pile of work is still waiting for me, and a lot of issues are still urgent, but the sense of major disaster that I'd been feeling seemed grossly exaggerated.

Coming back alone to a Melbourne winter after two weeks away in Singapore, Malaysia and Shanghai was a very disconcerting experience -- a cocktail mix of post-holiday blues, anxiety over work, loneliness, and disorientation.

It helped that yesterday was a public holiday, and I'd had lunch at my favourite Melbourne eatery plus I'd spend a few hours with good company walking around a crowded shopping mall. It helped that I had a short 3.5km run this morning in the gym, and that I have kindly colleagues and bosses.

The lesson here that I keep learning over and over again is to keep calm and carry on. Things are seldom as bad as I imagine it to be, and I have a very good imagination!