Sunrise, Alive

Exhausted today. Ran 11.25km yesterday – my first 10km+ run since last August. Slept yesterday afternoon and turned in early last night too, but today, the body is still recovering. In fact, I’m more tired today than yesterday. There’s a time delay before the exhaustion hits you.

But I’m glad I ran; it feels good to be on the move again. The adrenaline and endorphins are welcome, and I’d been piling on a few kilos lately that I’m keen to lose.

It was a long run, but a good one. There was a stretch that I might not repeat though – running along a stream in darkness, illuminating my way with my iPhone torchlight app – that’s probably not too wise.

During my final km, the sun started to rise in the East. Splotches of ruby-red stretched across the sky, chasing away the grey clouds and the darkness.

I stopped to snap some photos, and ran home happy – glad that I’d gotten out of bed early, glad that I’d witnessed such beauty, and glad that I was alive.

Once Again A New Life

Every job is a different universe. The company that I used to work for, the colleagues that I used to see every day, the office desk that I used to sit at, the building where I used to drive to every morning – they still exist in the same space-time dimensions as this one, they’re in the same city and share the same air that I now breath. But they are already a part of a past life, part of a reality that used to exist, but is now already blurry.

It’s the second day of the third week of my new job, and it’s been a good start. It’s roughly half the distance to drive from home to work, it’s a far bigger organization, and the colleagues are much nicer.

Most of all though, I love the location of the office. We’re in a downtown area, yet outside of the CBD. There’s an artistic feel to the place, full of artisan shops and eateries and cafeterias. Lovely little cobble-stoned streets with quaint ancient cottages and beautiful front gardens.

It’s autumn, about 18 months since I left Singapore and moved to Melbourne, and once again, it’s a new life.

All Those Days

"Hey there,

How are you? Just felt like talking, nothing urgent in particular. Have not talked to you for a while.

Wrote a blog entry yesterday asking myself: is this how I want my life to be? Am I headed in the right direction? Is there more I want out of life? How can I get there?

Reminded me of the past days when I used to write to you. I was in Munich, you were in Singapore, it was different times, we were different people then, with different dreams, heading to different places.

Are we so different now from then? Part of us have changed, but there must be a core that remains unchanged?

Am I just nostalgic for the past, now that the year is ending? Or have I just woken from the long slumber of our daily toil to gaze temporarily into the timeless inner souls of our beings?

It's a fine day here in Melbourne today. The sun is shining, the air is cool, the sky is blue. Perfect day for a long walk along the Yarra river. 

Where has all those days gone? Hi, how are you?

Dreamer of the Isar"

Burnt Out

It's become apparent to me that I'm burnt out. I'm exhausted from work, and as the work project gets decentralized away from me, and my influence and control over it gets diluted, I also feel withdrawal symptoms and not just a bit of bitterness.

At the same time, it's an eye-opener. I'd been so caught up in this project -- day and night, night and day -- that now that I'm taking but a few steps away from it, I feel somewhat betrayed, like I'm losing my grip on it, and with it, my identity.

How bizarre, and how brazenly wrong this is. A job is a job is a job. It's there to occupy our time, sometimes sharpen ourselves against, but mainly it's there to provide an income. I've obviously gotten sucked into it, centered my life around it, measuring the significance of all else in relation to it.

As the realization now dawns on me, I have the sensation of waking up and seeing it for what it is for the very first time.

It also means I'm restless again, because when one's center is gone, there's a sudden vacuum and emptiness -- a readjustment of what to fill it with.

It certainly unshackles me from the overlong hours and constant worrying over the work, and I should be able to rest more, sleep more... dream more.

I'm 35 and in less than a month, I'll be 36. The year is ending. It's a good time to open my eyes, look around me, and ask myself the tough questions: is this how I want my life to be? Am I headed in the right direction? Is there more I want out of life? How can I get there?

For life is most certainly short, too short to waste another day on the wrong things.

I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

First to Arrive, Last to Leave

There's a reason that they gave me a key to the office. It's because I was often the first to arrive, and even more often, the last to leave.

I work hard, and I work passionately, and I love my job. Or rather, I loved my job. Until recently. Now I'm not so sure anymore. A good job needs many elements: a good boss, good colleagues, a decent salary, a fair share of thrills and challenges, some overseas travel, growth prospects and -- crucially -- job security.

My job has all the above, virtually all. As I've found to my great disappointment two weeks ago, despite working the longest hours in the whole factory, my job is not guaranteed -- not by far.

Life is funny like that. Yet, far from feeling abused or used, I should remain thankful. Even if it's not a long-lasting ride, it's been a good ride, and I've learned as much as I've contributed. And this one year has felt like twice or thrice as many years, compressed into that short period.

Something good may yet come out of this. If nothing more, this has been the great stepping stone, nay, the great springboard into a much grander future than I have ever dared envision for myself.

Beyond These Horizons

The truth is I've lost my motivation. I was at a 150% momentum up until two Friday nights ago, and then suddenly I received that phone call. As I slowed the car down to a stop on the emergency lane of a 100km/h highway, I listened as he told me that he'd tried, but that's the best he could offer for now. Asked me to trust him, he'd try again in a few months.

A bubble burst that night, and I went through some of the five stages of grief since then. I'd foolishly thought the future of my career was secure, that I was destined to rise and rise within this role, that I had nothing to worry about since I kept hearing about how valuable I was to the team, and how I was one of the two "golden boys."

After the anger abated, the calm returned, and with it, clarity. I was able to see now how blinkered I was then, how I utterly engrossed myself in the projects, toiling away on weekends and late nights -- without a care or concern even as the end of my contract period loomed. I had pushed away thoughts of any other jobs, deleted incoming job site newsletters, focused on the tasks at hand, believing that this was for the long term, that I was set for the next few years.

When sudden undesirable change is forced on us, the first reaction is always shock, and then anger, sometimes depression. I became a wounded lion, I felt angry and betrayed, unable to comprehend the logic of what had just happened.

With calm and clarity, it dawned on me that this could be the best thing that's happened to me this year. With every change -- forced or otherwise, comes opportunity -- in this case, the opportunity to further realize my potential, and see beyond my immediate horizons. 

There are better jobs out there, with better prospects, permanent jobs, with better salaries. There's a better life out there. And had I not been pushed, I would still be staring ignorantly into the tunnel that I was so adamantly lunging headlong into.

I started to see the bright side of things: I still have a job I like, there's enough time left in my contract to work out something for the thereafter, and this has been a crucial wake-up call, a necessary kick in the ass.

It's still unclear what will come out of this. But one thing's clear -- I shall not be fooled again.

Wounded Lion

I'm a wounded lion, licking my wounds, a bit testy, a bit edgy, lashing out at those that dare come close to me. I'm not my usual self, not a picture of calm, quietly tackling each issue as they come my way. 

I feel betrayed, compromised, emotionally and mentally drained as the deep gashing wound still mocks me, fills me up with raging anger, tenses my body muscles, fills my nights with dreams.

A week ago, I was working at a 150%, giving my all, with single-minded focus and passion for the projects, without a care and concern for the immediate future, which I thought secure and certain. O how wrong I was, how mistaken.

Verbal promises that didn't amount to anything, and now having to juggle both current work and the thought about what's next, and how to get there -- that's what's haunting my conscience these last few days.

I think I'm over-reacting here, over-emoting. I'm going through the cycles of emotions -- from shock to confusion, to anger, to exhaustion, to determination, back to anger. 

I've made up my mind what I'm going to do next. I'll calm down and quietly execute it, but as the Bible says, one can't serve two masters, have two minds -- and so it's going to be a difficult few weeks ahead while I sort out my new path, my new future.

The consolation is that it's far far better facing up to it now rather than later, and that by God's grace, it won't take very long. By all measures, it looks like it'll happen soon, very soon, possibly in the next two months.

Gone by Quickly

It's about a year and a month since I first moved to Melbourne, and what a year it has been. A big part of it has been my job, which is taking up so much of my time and conscience. Most of my waking hours revolve around it -- very often there are long hours past the official 5:00pm knock-off time, sometimes late into the evenings -- talking to the colleagues and suppliers in another continent.

And yet, the job has been a source of thrill, excitement, income and pride for me. It's been a great ride. And as I approach the end of my contract, I'm secure in the knowledge that I've done a good job, and the boss is attempting to keep me on a permanent basis.

It certainly has made the year whiz on by so quickly, and looking back into the one year of working life, it feels like I've been working here for more than just a single year.

2012 has certainly been a year that's gone by very quickly, especially the past few months. It's good to approach the end of the year moving into warmer weather. For all the strange weather movements in Melbourne, one thing it's got right is summer in December. It makes the passing of a year that much less gloomy, a lot more hopeful and a lot more positive.

Today's weather is somewhat grey though, and that's playing games with my energy level. Plus it's rather quiet in the office too -- silence can lower the metabolic rate too, lulling oneself into a trance-like state.

There are ways to change that energy level, something I'm about to embark on. It sometimes involves caffeine, or listening to running music. And also a countdown of the number of hours I have left till the end of the workday (plus a look at the number of things I still have on my to-do list!!!)